According to Dr. Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion has three main elements:

Self-Kindness
Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or criticize ourselves.

Common Humanity
Suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience. It is something we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.

Mindfulness
Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Mindfulness requires that we not “over-identify” with thoughts and feelings, and we listen to what is happening in the present.

Studies have shown that high self-compassion is associated with:

• decreased psychopathology (reduced suicidality, rumination, shame)
• lower symptoms of depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and self-criticism
• increased wellbeing (life satisfaction, coping, emotional resilience)
• improved physical health (immune functioning, healthy behaviours)

In this post, I share some self-compassion exercises that can help you in your every day.
One very simple practice you can start right away when you find yourself struggle with self-criticism is trying ask yoursef: 

what would I say to a loved friend in the same situation?

It seems easy, but it is not. It is easier to be kind to others that to ourselves. 

Practice, practice, practice

Other 3 self-compassion exercises by Kristin Neff to help you in your daily practice are listed below. 

Exercise 1: How would you treat a friend?

• Think about a close friend that feels really bad about themselves, or that is struggling in some way.
• Write down how you typically respond to your friend- what would you say, which tone and behaviour.

 

• Now think about something that makes you feel bad about yourself, or about a situation you are struggling with.
• Write down how you typically respond to yourself.

Did you notice a difference?

Exercise 2: Self-compassion break
Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Visualize it, and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body. Now, say to yourself:

• This is a moment of suffering: "this hurts", "this is stress", "this is difficult" 
• Suffering is part of life and it's temporary: "other people feel this way", "I am not alone". 
• May I be kind to myself: "how can I give myself kindness?", "may I be gentle to myself", "may I be present". 

Exercise 3: Self-compassion journal
Keeping a journal is an effective way of expressing emotions and reflecting on your life experiences. Try to write about an experience that is difficult for you. Consider the following areas in your writing:

• Mindfulness: describe without judgment the details of the situation and your feelings.
• Common humanity: write how other people would feel in the same situation. You may want to try to understand why it is "normal" to feel that way.
• Self-Kindness: give yourself some kind, gentle and understanding words of comfort.

Please let me know in comments which one works best for you and your experience practicing them.

They, in turn, influence your emotions and your behaviour. They are also connected to the beliefs you have about yourself, the world, and others. These maladaptive thought patterns are usually automatic and can be difficult to identify if we aren’t aware of them.

We all experience cognitive distortions to some degree. However, people that have experienced trauma tend to have more maladaptive appraisals of self, others, and the world. They tend to experience more emotional discomfort because of those cognitive distortions. Threatening appraisals related to the trauma and its aftermath may be developed in those experiencing PTSD, such as the overgeneralisation of danger (‘bad things always happen to me’) or judgements of their own actions (‘I should have coped better’).

Based on Dr. Aaron Beck's work, Dr. Burns* has identified 10 common cognitive distortions that can contribute to uncomfortable emotions. These are:

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking
You see things in black-or-white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure.
Example: When a student makes a mistake in the exam, he thinks  “I’ve blown my exam completely.”

2. Overgeneralization
Drawing a faulty conclusion about something based on one experience. You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a career reversal, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or “never” when you think about it​. 
Example: you get rejected on a job interview and you conclude that you will never be able to find a job.

3. Mental Filter
​You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all reality becomes negative. You focus only on the negative aspects and dysqualify all the positive aspects.
Example: You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

4. Discounting the Positive
You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count." Discounting the positive takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.
Example:  If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn’t good enough or that anyone could have done as well.

5. Jumping to Conclusions:

- Mind reading
Assuming you know what others are thinking. So without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you.
Example: someone looks at you with a stare and you assume they are negatively thinking about you.

- Fortune-telling
You predict that things will turn out badly when you have no evidence to back your predictions. Before a test you may tell yourself, “I’m really going to blow it, what if I don't remember?"

6. Magnification and Minimization
You exaggerate the importance of your problems and shortcomings, or you minimize the importance of your desirable qualities. 
Example: you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to talk to you, and right away, you stat imagine the worst possible outcome. 

7. Emotional Reasoning:
Assuming that your emotions reflect the truth. 
Example: “I feel guilty. I must be a terrible person.”

8. “Should statements”
You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. “Musts,” “oughts” and “have tos” have the similar negative effect.  “Should statements” that are directed against yourself lead to guilt and frustration. Should statements that are directed against other people or the world in general lead to anger and frustration.
Example:  After giving a presentation at work you think “I shouldn’t have made so many mistakes.”, when in reality the presentation went pretty well.

9. Labeling
Labeling is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking.  Labeling is quite irrational because you are not the same as what you do. You feel that the problem is with that person’s “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior. 
Example: You may make a mistakes, but you are not a "mistake". 

10. Personalization and blame
Personalization occurs when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under your control. Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem. Personalization leads to guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy.
Example: you believe you are a bad father because your child gets in troube at school.
 
​
⚠️ Disclaimer: This article serves as a psycho-educational resource only. I encourage you to discuss with your therapist how this applies to your unique situation. Everyone’s experience is different and some information might not be relevant to you.

*​Burns D. (1989). The Feeling Good Handbook. Harper-Collins Publishers. New York.

It is important to understand what is your communication style and learn what are the main communication mistakes, to learn not to make them!

🗣️ What is your communication style?

🌸Assertive

Assertive communication is based on balance.
It is about saying what you need in a clear and boundaried way, at the same time that you respect the other person. These individuals value themselves, their time, and their emotional, spiritual, and physical needs and are strong advocates for themselves while being very respectful of the rights of others.

e.g. I feel scared when
you raise your voice.
I would like you to speak
in a softer tone.

💥Aggressive

Aggressive communication is based on winning.
You do what is in your own best interest without regard for the rights, needs, feelings, or desires of other people. When someone uses aggressive communication, they want to use their power to influence the decision / outcome. They may come across as pushy or even bullying. Their power is used to win, taking what they want without asking for the other person's opinion or needs.

e.g. Shut up!
Your tone is so loud.
Keep it down!

😔 Passive

Passive communication is based on avoidance.

You try to avoid conflict by agreeing with the other person. You try to protect yourself by not expressing your feelings, needs, or opinions.
As a result, passive individuals do not respond overtly to hurtful or anger-inducing situations. Instead, they allow grievances and annoyances to mount, usually unaware of the buildup. But once they have reached their high tolerance threshold for unacceptable behavior, they are prone to explosive outbursts, which are usually out of proportion to the triggering incident. After the outburst, however, they may feel shame, guilt, and confusion, so they return to being passive.

ej. Okay, if that is
what you want...

🤨Passive-aggressive

Passive-aggressive communication is based on manipulation
You appear passive on the surface but are really acting out anger in a subtle, indirect, or behind-the-scenes way.

Passive-aggressive communication is a style in which individuals appear passive on the surface but are really acting out anger in a subtle, indirect, or behind-the-scenes way. People who develop a pattern of passive-aggressive communication usually feel powerless, stuck, and resentful – in other words, they feel incapable of dealing directly with the object of their resentments. Instead, they express their anger by subtly undermining the object (real or imagined) of their resentments.

e.g. You can keep yelling, 
if I have a headache 
afterwards it will be
your fault, like
everything else...

🆘 Main communication mistakes

1. Using "You" language

Relationships should not be a competition. Speaking with “me vs. you” language means seeing the other person as the “enemy.” Talking from a "you" perspective will make the listener defensive.

Try to use "I statements" instead to convey how you feel about the situation. An "I" statement is a style of communication that focuses on the feelings or beliefs of the speaker rather than thoughts or charactistics that the speaker attributes to the listener.

"I" statements can help foster positive communication in relationships and may help them become stronger, as sharing feelings and thoughts in an honest and open manner can help people grow closer on an emotional level.

I have made a post about this. Check it out here.

Another positive way to have a conversation to solve an issue is communicating using "we". Try to reframe the "you" to "we" and think of yourselves as a team. Work together, not against each other.

2. Making assumptions

Assuming before you have heard the whole story could damage the relationship.

Thinking “Oh I don’t even have to hear the rest of this – I already know what they’re going to say!” could bring you to a wrong conclusion about the other person. I am sure you would not like other people assuming things about what you have said, so do not do it to others either.

Active listening and asking instead of assuming will help in the communication process and make coming to an agreement more feasible.

3. Beating around the bush

Not being clear in what you want to say can create misunderstandings. If you are not clear and concise with your message, the other person may do their own interpretation.

Be assertive with your message. Say what you need and why it is important without disrespecting the other person.

4. Lack of empathy

It is important to keep in mind that perception is not reality. What you may see and think is not necessarily what the other person sees and thinks.

It is typical to see people attacking each other's character (e.g. "you are a bad person") instead of what they say or do (e.g. "your behaviour is not acceptable").

It is important to empathize with the other person and try to understand why they have behaved the way they did. By asking questions about their motives we can build up compassion and understand. From that place, it is easier to come to a resolution and learn from the future.

Let me know in comments, what are your thoughts about this and if you have identified your main mistakes.